Understanding Attachment
at New Unity Psychotherapy
Our early relationships with caregivers shape the way we connect and relate to others throughout our lives. These formative relationships establish what we call “attachment styles,” which influence how we approach intimacy, emotional connection, and even conflict in our relationships as adults. Many of the individuals we work with struggle with understanding how their attachment style affects their current relationships. Through therapy, we help clients explore their attachment history, gain insight into their relational patterns, and develop healthier, more secure ways of connecting with others.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are developed in childhood, based on the relationship a person has with their primary caregivers. These styles influence how we form and maintain relationships as adults. There are four main attachment styles:
- Secure Attachment: Individuals with secure attachment tend to have positive views of themselves and others. They feel comfortable with intimacy and are generally able to communicate their needs effectively.
- Anxious Attachment: People with anxious attachment may fear abandonment or rejection. They often seek constant reassurance in relationships and may struggle with feelings of insecurity.
- Avoidant Attachment: Those with avoidant attachment may have difficulty with emotional closeness. They tend to prioritize independence and may withdraw or distance themselves when relationships become too emotionally intense.
- Disorganized Attachment: This style is often a result of trauma or inconsistent caregiving. Individuals with disorganized attachment may have a fear of intimacy but also crave connection, leading to conflicting behaviors in relationships.
Exploring Your Attachment Style in Therapy
In therapy, we’ll begin by exploring your attachment history—particularly your early relationships with parents or caregivers—and how these experiences have shaped your attachment style. Understanding your attachment style can provide valuable insights into your current relational patterns, helping you identify both the strengths and challenges you bring to relationships.
How Attachment Affects Relationships
Your attachment style plays a significant role in how you relate to others. For example, if you have an anxious attachment style, you might find yourself seeking constant reassurance from your partner or feeling insecure when they’re emotionally distant. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may withdraw from emotional intimacy, leading to conflict or a sense of disconnection in your relationships.
Some common ways that attachment styles manifest in relationships include:
- Anxious Attachment: You may feel a strong need for closeness but also experience fear that your partner will leave or reject you. This can result in behaviors like clinginess, jealousy, or emotional dependency.
- Avoidant Attachment: You may struggle with emotional intimacy, preferring to keep a certain distance from others. You might avoid deep emotional conversations or feel overwhelmed by your partner’s needs.
- Disorganized Attachment: Relationships may feel confusing or chaotic. You might crave connection but also push people away, feeling both fear and a need for closeness at the same time.
Through therapy, we’ll explore how your attachment style shows up in your current relationships and work to develop healthier ways of relating to others.
Breaking Unhealthy Attachment Patterns
For many individuals, understanding their attachment style is the first step in breaking unhealthy relationship patterns. Once you gain awareness of your attachment tendencies, we can begin working on strategies to develop a more secure attachment style. This process involves
- Building Emotional Awareness: Recognizing how your attachment style influences your emotional responses and behaviors in relationships.
- Rewiring Negative Beliefs: Challenging any negative beliefs or fears you may have about intimacy, rejection, or abandonment.
- Developing Healthy Boundaries: Learning to set and maintain boundaries that protect your emotional well-being without pushing others away.
- Practicing Vulnerability: For those with avoidant attachment, practicing emotional vulnerability can help strengthen relational bonds and increase trust with others.
- Managing Anxiety: For individuals with anxious attachment, developing techniques to manage anxiety and insecurity can foster greater emotional stability and trust in relationships.
Attachment and Emotional Regulation
One of the key components of developing a more secure attachment style is learning to regulate your emotions effectively. People with anxious or disorganized attachment styles often experience heightened emotional responses in relationships, which can lead to conflict, overwhelm, or emotional withdrawal. In therapy, we’ll work on emotional regulation skills to help you manage these responses more effectively.
Some of the techniques we’ll use include:
- Mindfulness Practices: Learning to stay present and grounded during emotionally charged moments, helping you respond more calmly and thoughtfully.
- Emotion Identification: Understanding the root of your emotional responses, such as fear of abandonment or rejection, and learning to express these emotions in a healthy way.
- Self-Soothing Techniques: Developing strategies to soothe yourself during times of emotional distress, rather than relying solely on others for reassurance or comfort.
By developing these skills, you’ll be better equipped to handle the emotional ups and downs of relationships without feeling overwhelmed or disconnected.
Healing from Past Attachment Wounds
Many individuals who struggle with attachment issues have experienced past relational trauma or emotional neglect. These early experiences can leave deep emotional wounds that impact how you connect with others as an adult. In therapy, we’ll explore these past experiences and work through the pain or fear they may have caused.
This healing process often involves:
- Acknowledging Past Trauma: Bringing awareness to the emotional wounds caused by past relationships or childhood experiences.
- Reprocessing Trauma: Using therapeutic techniques like trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT) or cognitive-behavioral strategies to reprocess and heal from traumatic attachment experiences.
- Building Trust: Learning to rebuild trust in yourself and others, which is key to developing healthier, more secure relationships
Developing Secure Attachment in Current Relationships
While attachment styles are often formed in childhood, it’s entirely possible to develop a more secure attachment style as an adult. Through our work together, you’ll gain the tools and insights needed to foster secure, healthy relationships. Some of the key characteristics of secure attachment include:
- Emotional Stability: Feeling confident in your relationships and less anxious about abandonment or rejection.
- Healthy Communication: Being able to express your needs clearly and listen empathetically to others.
- Trust and Intimacy: Feeling comfortable with emotional closeness and trusting your partner or loved ones.
- Balanced Independence: Maintaining a sense of individuality while also feeling connected to your partner or loved ones.
Developing a secure attachment style can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships that are built on trust, emotional connection, and mutual respect.
Together, we can explore your attachment patterns and work on creating stronger, healthier connections in your life.
Contact Me for Support
If you’re struggling with attachment issues or want to better understand how your attachment style is impacting your relationships, we’re here to help.
Reach out to me, Melissa N. Douglas, LCSW, at New Unity Psychotherapy by calling (914) 844-6682 to schedule your free 30-minute consultation.
Reach out to start
your healing journey today.
your healing journey today.